Sit up straight, Couch Pumpkins!
And let's review some of "Thriller Theatre's Cardinal Rules". They're those "little" things you should remember if you ever find yourself in a horror movie. On "Thriller Theatre", we've offered such useful advice as a form of public service. And the list just keeps growing.
Well, you know what they say: "Forewarned is forearmed" -- and four-armed is a Thark! (Personally, I'd still bet on The Monster...)
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #1:
When someone tells you to "stay put", STAY PUT! Unless, of course, everyone else left you alone and the monster shows up--in which case, figure you've just been "voted off the island".
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #2:
Never wander off alone from the group after dark. Heck, don't wander off alone, PERIOD. Oh, and never, never go down into the basement alone. Especially at night. Especially in your nightie. Especially if the lights don't work. Or the flashlight. AND you're out of matches. And MOST especially if you didn't get top billing. Otherwise, girlfriend, hang it up--you're toast!
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #3:
Never, never read an ancient tome of black magic aloud, even as a joke.
And while we're on the subject: NIKTO! It's "klaatu, barada, NIKTO!!" (Well, duh!)
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #4:
If you're looking in a mirror and you see someone behind you who isn't there when you turn around; or you see a different room than the one you're in; or you see someone else looking back; or your reflection tells you to get out "before it's too late": Time for reflection is OVER!
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #5:
If you open the door and the room you see is not the room it ought to be, do not go in there! If you ain't Jean-Luc, it ain't the Holodeck!
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #6:
Don't just stand there, DO something! And if you're absolutely certain you know what you are doing -- don't.
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #7:
If you insist on searching the creepy old place because you think there's something mysterious there, turn the bloody lights on! If they don't work, you'd better have three good friends and a dog named "Scooby"!
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #8:
If there's somethin' weird in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call? EHNN!! WRONG ANSWER! (The line's already been cut...)
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #9:
"Location, location, location!" If your house was built on or near an old burial ground or an ancient ritual site, or it had previous inhabitants who went mad and committed murder, suicide or bizarre sacrifices, these do NOT constitute an "unadvertised feature". It's in a bad location. Of course, you're in a worse one!
Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rule #10:
Above all, don't do anything stupid! --Oh, you're already in the movie? Oh well, too late!
More to come, brave hearts...
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Auntie M's portrait is by Bob Hubbard of Vista Studios, Hattiesburg MS. (Animation by Wytche Way Productions.) Thanks again, Robert!!
The featured font is good old "Burton's Nightmare" (you have been paying attention, haven't you, Couch Pumpkin?)--and we're grooving to Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash" (©1962, 1990 Bobby Picket & Denise Capizzi).
Scooby and the gang are TM & © 2001 Cartoon Network, Inc. An AOL Time Warner Company.
But nobody knows where that background came from. Ooooo, a mystery...
MARGALI MORWENTARI and all related indicia are trademarks of Wytche Way Productions. "Thriller Theatre Cardinal Rules", "Thriller Theatre Half-Time Report" and, yes, "Frankenstein Systems Ltd." are copyright © 2000, 2001 Wytche Way Productions. (What, somebody else would claim this stuff??)